SCREAM, LAUGH, CRY

I am so unsure on what I want to do right now. I want to scream becasue Deployment is really taking effecting a tole on my life. I can not think of ANYTHING but how long it has been since i seen him. I love him to DEATH but I am really despisng him for leaving me alone to take care of OUR son. We got in a fight over some bull---- today. It was seriously just stress taking over our words and we werent even thinking. =((

Then on top of deployment stress I realized we are losing almost $500 a month when he gets home. That is going to put a HUGE hole in our money problems we already have now. It is REDICULOUS how little the Military pays. I dont get it. I mean they are defending our country and they dont even get paid enough to qualify above the low income line. over half the people in teh military qualify for foodstamp benifits. thats not right. My husband joined the military because we had our son at a young age. We thought it would help us get a better start. But instead we are barely making enough money to pay all of our bills and buy the extra things we need.  I know I am going on and on about this but I do not understand it AT ALL!!! I love my husband and support everythign he does but I just dont get that they are paid so LITTLE!!!

My first award

This was given to me by my Wifey!! I <3 her!!! But I use my blog to vent and just get my thoughts out of my head so they make more sense when i read them =))!   But I am new to this and I love doing it. It relaxes me and gives me time to think about everything. Then most of the time my friends go through and read it and tell me what I should and Shouldnt do.

Well I guess I am supose to tell you random things about myself... So here are 4 (one for every person I tagged in this)

one

I am really freaking sick of living alone!!!!!!

two

I have met people here that I wish I would have met a hell of a lot sooner because I dont know how the HELL i lived my life without them!!! <3

three

there are times when I think that my life is NEVER going to get any better and my husband will never get off that stupid ship!!!!

four

I love my little man with all my heart! He is my pride and joy! I would never be able to make it through  deployment without him =)) But  I can not wait to give him a little brother or sister!!!!

1. A sailors mistress

2. iheartmysailor

3. My life as a Sailors Princess

4. My career as a Sailor's heart

stress has taken over my life

Homecoming is just around the corner and I am stressing about getting everything perfect. I know my husband will not care if the house is spotless and can pass a white glove test but I DO CARE!!! Its the first time he will ever see our home! I am so excited for him to see what it looks like and learn his way around but i am scared he is going to hate it, and blame it all on me. But I am sure he wont, Its just one of those fears that no matter how much I try to avoid the thought, I still think it. Expecially since I am petrified Alex wont take to him and Anthony will be upset about it. Well Anthony when you read this please realize that its not your fault, ALexander has a short memory
Well since my break down the other day I have been feeling really really good. I am excited about homecoming and now realizing all that i have to get done before it comes. Its so exciting and I have butterflies. It seems like everytime he is gone for more then a month i get butterflies when i think about seeing him again.
I am pretty nervous on how homecoming day is going to go with Alexander. I think its gonna be difficult becasue he LOOVES the water, but I am going to take the portable DVD player for him to watch movies, Plus my love Amanda is going with me to help!!! =)) I have no idea what will be going on during homecoming and all that. I have found my way to most of the Peirs and I dont think it will be very hard to get to the rest of them. But he should be around the area I know how to get to!!
The night before party is going to be FUNNN!!! My wife Alisheau is keeping Alexander so I dont have to keep him out till after 10! =) And if everything goes as planned homecoming will be done and over with ASAP and we can come home for some much needed family time!!! ;))

Tears fallen

Today has been a horrible day. I have cried about everything. I always thought as time goes by the deployment got easier but as we are in the last part of the deployment i feel like it just started all over againg. I cried for like 2 hours strait today. And I dont even know what triggered it.
Everything started out good this morning. I went to pick up a friends husband this morning and got to talk to my hubby for a little while but the internet kept dropping out.... But that really didn't upset me. I had a nice conversation with him. But we had a HUGE fight the other day because he was jealous of my BFF, which i can understand because I am jealous of the guys on the ship. BUt he went a little extreme but we are all better now because he appologized for being a complete jerk to me. I can not wait for him to get home!!!
Anthony asked me how i felt about him crossing over to the Army when his contract is up... Im really not sure how i feel but I know I am being selfish when I snap no because i dont want him gone that long. I love him to death but being gone for 12-18 months can really hurt us. Because after 7 months we are snapping at eachother and getting pissed really easy because both of our jobs are stressful. (Mine being a stay at home mom with a 19 month old)


I was thinking yesterday about what i would change if I could go back in time. I honestly dont think I would change a thing. I love my life and my friends. I have a amazing connection with all my friends here because they are going through all the same things. Or have been through the same. The only thing I would change would be me going to school. I want to go back. I am planning on starting hopefully next fall. That way I can get my FAFSA done and all that stuff. I dont know if I will go back fulltime or not but I want to try to at least do a few classes.

....................................................

UGH

I am now thinking about moving back home for a few months of this next deployment next summer. We could save up some money and get to spend some time with the family. But Im not sure that I could do it because I wouldnt live on my own. I would have to live with my family. But I think I could handle it for a little while .Oh well I have a while to decide. It will probably be decided on how fast I get pregnant. Because my family could really help with a toddler and a newborn. I have not mentioned this to ANY of my friends so as they read this my phoen will be going CRAZY!!! They would be the reason I dont move back. But I could spend 500 a month instead of over a thousand..... hmmm

But I have been enjoying my time with the wives. It is wonderful to be able to get out of the house and be with people that understand instead of PRETENDING to understand!!! I love my friends at home but their fake symapthy is annoying!!!!! I cant wait to see them again... Well kind of. I want to see my family but some of my friends I could leave out without feeling bad!!!

I miss my hubby SOOO MUCH!!! I cant wait for him to be home!!!! The night before party is going to be a BLAST, its our last get togather before our husbands come home =)). I cant wait to have new pictures of my husband and I to make new blog headers!!! We dont have any pictures together except for our wedding pictures taht were taken in December!!!!

Well I need to get ready for the day!!!! I have so much to say but none of what i want public!!!

Friends....

I had been regretting my move out to Virginia, because we moved out here in February and my husband doesnt get home until August. But at the time he was supose to be home in June and I wanted to get to know the area before he got back so we werent clueless on everything. But 3 days after moving my husbands deployment was extended. So we could have Stayed in Iowa and had more money saved up and able to continuously put money in Savings, while I also could have continued working. But after these last couple weeks I am so glad I didnt. I have made the best friends that I could ask for...

I met Amanda when our husbands were in Basic Training together, and they are now sationed on the same Base, doing the same job!! Then I found Rashell on one of the military spouse websites shortly after moving here, I talked to her a lot on facebook and text messages but never met her until I got back from visiting my family in June. Rashell introduced me to Alisheau! We have been talking ever since and now we hang out like everyday, and never get bored of eachother. She feels like that friend I started preschool with and we grew up together!! I have only known these girls in person since February of this year I am pretty sure they will be lifetime friends!!!!

I have been having the most amazing time with these girls, no matter if we are sitting at eachothers houses just hanging out or spending the day at the beach it is always a blast!!! We can talk about anything and everything. It never feels out of place to talk to them about whatever is on my mind. Most of my issues are deployment issues and the only people who can understand waht it is like is the people who went through deployments themselves. Its pretty annoying when people tell me they understand how I feel because they have gone a few days without seeing there spouse.

I know I am crazy for moving 1100 miles away from my family only on the hope that I would find friends and be able to handle this deployment on my own. Well I did it. I am happy with my decision no matter how many times i change my mind. We are a military family and it takes risks to surive! But I have the best friends I could ever ask for! I just wish they all lived a little closer-- like NEXT DOOR!!!! I have made more close friends in the past 5 months then I made in highschool, but I dont like the drama so I hung out with guys and to this day my husband and I share a super close friend!! I only talk to a few girls from highschool and i dont want to talk to any of the others!!!

well to sum this ups I LOVE MY LIFE AND I WOULDNT CHANGE IT FOR A THING!!!! THE MILITARY LIFE IS HARD BUT IT ALWAYS HELPS TO MAKE SOME GREAT FRIENDS!!! THEY MAKE THE TIME GO FASTER WHILE YOUR MISSING YOUR HUSBAND!!!!

25 weeks of deployment

So tuesday was 25 weeks since my wonderful husband deployed!!! It has been a very long time since i have seen him but it has gone by pretty fast. But I am starting to resent him for being gone for so long =/ I know i shouldnt but I do. I have been rasing our son alone for almost a year now and it is tough. I havent had a break from anything in 4 months. I get up every morning and get our son something to eat then we head to the gym. and come home and deal with the on sets of the terrible twos.

There is nothing that my husband can do about this but it is really starting to take effect on the way i feel. And since I am a stay at home mom because we only have ONE vehicle and he will take it to work everyday I cant go back to work. I sell SCENTSY which is a nice way to make money. But i havent gotten it going enough to make a lot of money on it. I am working my BUTT off trying to but nothing seems to be working. I love the product though.

I love my life and I dont want anything to change, except my husband to go up in rank and make more money. We really have to budget everything out and dont always have the extra money to do things.. Which is hard when he hits port and wants to spend REDICULOUS amounts of MONEY!!!

I am having a horrible day and have been soooo easily agrivated today it isnt funny!!! I am hoping the gym will help tomarrow. I am planning on using all my anger to work out and I HOPE that will work sooo much!!! I need this to work. And I want this weight to fall off already!!!

I love my husband so much and I dont think he realizes how much i do love him and miss him!!!!